The Phone Stalker, Part Deux (at long last)

Bullwinkle answered in the middle of the first ring. Now, I have picked up a phone either just as it was ringing or just before it rang because I was about to dial out. But this dude was apparently sitting on it waiting for it to hatch. I say this because he answered the phone like this (and a bit breathlessly too I might add), “Hi there, Suddenly! I was waiting for your call.”

Freaky, no?...Freaky – Hell YES! But at the time it didn’t seem quite as odd as it does now in retrospect.

We chatted about mostly innocuous things such as common teachers and friends from High School. He mentioned that he had recently divorced and was temporarily living with his Mom. I think Norman Bates from Psycho should have popped into my head, but didn’t. So I felt no qualms about setting up a date with Bullwinkle for the following weekend.

I don’t want to say too much about this dude in case he should figure out that I’m talking about him online. But the guy has a job that requires him to be on the ROAD for stretches at a time…he said he’s in it for the LONG HAUL. So the first evening he’d be back in town was the following Sunday. We decided on a restaurant that was centrally located to us both and agreed that 7:00pm would be a good time to meet there.

The week in between this conversation and our date passed with an unusual number of hang-ups on my answering machine. These calls where from all different times of day. I didn’t think much about it, probably just telemarketers…you know how they are! I also got calls from Bullwinkle every night to just say, “Hi.” And that he was bored and lonely on the road, etc. By Thursday, however, the number of hang-ups on my machine began to worry me. So I decided it was time for “Caller ID” I got it all set up and got a new phone system that displays all missed calls as well. My friend, James, (he’s the “Will” to my “Grace” if you catch my drift) came over Friday night to help me install everything. Almost immediately, I got a phone call. Don’t you know it? It was just listed as “Out of Area.” For those of you without “Caller ID ” experience, that can mean anything, but often means….telemarketer. So I didn’t answer the call. I waited to see if a message would be left, but they hung up instead. James and I shook hands assuming it was a wise choice with a telemarketer avoided. We decided to go on out and grab some dinner.

If you’ve never had the El Presidente Margarita at Chili’s, I highly recommend them! (maybe they will send me a coupon?) The El Pres, as I call it, comes in a jigger and is roughly the equivalent of 2 regular margaritas. I had 2 El Pres with my dinner and was feeling no pain by the time I got home. I went straight to my answering machine (my friend James didn’t go with me…he says he’ll never go straight!), and checked my missed calls. In the 2 hours I’d been gone, I had 17 missed calls! And they were ALL from “Out of Area.” There were no messages left on the machine either. As I stood there, puzzling over it, the phone rang again….”Out of Area.” Well, this just had to stop, so I answered it. As you mostly likely already guessed, it was Bullwinkle and not Avon calling. I told him I’d been out and asked him if he’d called earlier. He said, no he’d just gotten back to his motel room. So I chatted with him a bit, but didn’t make the connection just yet.

Saturday actually went by quietly, no hang-ups and no call from Bullwinkle. Sunday afternoon I was making a sandwich for lunch when I got a call from Bullwinkle. This time, he popped right up on my Caller ID. He was terribly sorry and was going to have to cancel our date, he was taking his mother to the hospital with chest pains. Apparently this had happened once before and she’d required a double bypass operation. So he said he’d call and let me know how she was doing later.

I decided to have James over, watch a movie and have a pizza delivered. He loves the chick flicks as much as I do. We were settling down with our pizza and watching “Sweet Home Alabama” when the phone rang. I told James that I was just gonna let it ring, the machine would catch it and we would just go on eating pizza, swilling cheap wine coolers and watching the movie. After a minute I glanced over at the machine and noticed that the message waiting light was on. Cool, they left a message. A few minutes later, the phone rang again. I looked at the Caller ID and it showed “UNKOWN.” Again, ignoring the call seemed like a good idea, but this time they didn’t leave a message. About 5 minutes later, the UNKOWN caller struck again. I glanced over at James who just raised his eyebrows, so we let it go. 5 minutes later, the UNKOWN caller is back. I decided that this is going to be a bumpy night so we paused Reese Witherspoon and finished off our pizza and wine. I told James, if it rings again, I want you to answer it. If they want to talk to me, just tell them I’m not here. Sure enough, UNKOWN caller rang through again. James answers it for me and this is his side of the conversation…

“Hello?”
“I’m sorry, she’s not here right now.”
“I don’t know – just OUT out. She didn’t say.”
“This is a friend of hers, who is this?”
“Well I’m sure she will want to know you called, can I get your name?”
“My name? Why do you want my name?....Well, ok, I’m James.”
“Can I give her a number where she can call you back?”
“Unlisted?”
“So…you just want me to tell her you called, but you won’t give me your unlisted number so she can call you back?”

This entire time I’m gesturing wildly for James to tell me who it is, but he keeps waving me off.

“Can I ask you something…did you call here just a bit ago? I couldn’t get to the phone before.”
“Have you called a bunch of times, I notice she has some hang-ups on her missed call list.”
“Oh ok, well I will tell her you called.”

I know there is no mystery for you at this point as to who it was. It was Bullwinkle. He did admit to calling “a couple of times.” All the “UNKOWN” calls must have been from him. I played back the message that was waiting. The robotic male voice on my machine said the call was from, “Number…UNKOWN.” It was a message from Hamster-boy saying that his mother’s health scare was just indigestion and he could have dinner after all and for me to call him and he left his home number.

James and I started talking about this and connecting the dots from the “Out of Area” calls earlier in the week with today's “UNKOWN” calls. The image starting to emerge was a picture of a Hamster named Bullwinkle!

30 minutes pass by and UNKOWN is calling again. James answers and tells Bullwinkle that I’m out and will most likely be out for the entire evening. Again, he asks for a number where I can return the call. This time Bullwinkle leaves his home phone number.

James left about 9pm and I went through my normal Sunday night rituals of getting things ready for going to work on Monday. I hit the sheets about 10:30 and was just getting into the snooze groove when the phone rang. I look at the time, it was 12:15. I check Caller ID…UNKOWN! I answer the phone, and its…you guessed it…Bullwinkle again!

He starts off into a conversation as though nothing unusual has occurred. I interrupt him and ask, “It’s a bit late to be calling on a work night, don’t ya’ think?”

The dude was CLUELESS! I guess he figured if he didn’t have to work the next day, neither did the rest of the world. What a piece of work! So I manage to get him off the phone and back to cruisin’ snoozin’.

The following day I decided that this guy was just a bit too intense for me. I called him up and challenged him about the phone calls. He finally fessed up that it was him. When I asked him why, he said that he was trying to find out if I was seeing someone else. He challenged me about James. I explained that James is gay, but that didn’t seem to compute for Bullwinkle. Apparently the diesel fumes had eaten away some brain cells. I spelled it out…"you know GAY…as in dates men, not women!"

I decided it was time to end this freak show, I told him that he was not a match for me and that he should move on. He actually asked if he could call me again or IM me if he saw me online! I said to him firmly, “No. I don’t want you to call me, I don’t want you to IM me online, I don’t want to meet you. In fact, I want nothing to do with you. Just, please, go away!” I hated being that blunt and rude, but apparently that was what it took. Bullwinkle went away and my phone only rings a normal amount of time these days.

Coming Soon...."The Boy Toy"