The…umm…Hunchback (there, I said it!)
I know, I know…its horribly un-PC of me, but facts are facts. And in some cases those facts should perhaps have been mentioned online, or in email, or on the phone before an actual first date! Really, they SHOULD be!
I was winked at by a nice man who is almost 20 years older than me. That’s a bit outside my normal dating range, but nothing ventured – nothing gained, right? So I responded back to him and we began chatting in email. I almost didn’t respond to his original wink because his profile didn’t have a picture. Should that have been a warning bell? You decide. I mentioned to him that I don’t correspond with people with no photo, so he sent me one. It depicted a nice looking, late fifties-ish man with a sweet smile. The picture was a typical portrait style, just his head and the tops of his shoulders. He was wearing a denim shirt and rainbow stripe suspenders. I thought the suspenders a bit unusual, but wasn’t terribly concerned. During this time, my mother became quite ill and was in critical care in the hospital. It was especially nice of Rainbow Stripe to write me frequently asking after her health and saying prayers on her behalf. When she finally appeared on the road to recovery, Rainbow asked to buy me dinner and I accepted.
We chose to meet at a nearby trendy restaurant. I spied a parking spot right in front of the restaurant entrance. Just as I began pulling in, a man stepped out of the car just beside my parking space. I saw his head above the top of his car and recognized him as Rainbow. I pulled into my spot and opened the door to get out. Rainbow had come around his car to greet me as I got out of my door.
Try to imagine my astonishment as I turned to greet him and my brain tried desperately to register several things all at once. 1) My God, he’s a hunchback!, 2) I’m only 5’1” and he’s my height!, 3) He’s wearing those damn suspenders!, 4) His pants are 3 sizes too big!, 5) Oh shit, he’s closing in for a kiss!
I must stop for a minute here to tell you that my mother raised her girls to be gracious ladies, always polite and charming, no matter the situation. So I dug deep into those early ingrained lessons and put on my brightest and most charming smile.
I am standing trapped between my open car door and the side of my car when Rainbow takes me and plants a big kiss on me. I tried to push away gently, but instead he pulls me close and takes me into an embrace and kisses me even more deeply. Again, I try politely to disentangle when he stops kissing me, but he holds me close in a tight embrace. He begins shaking all over, and I think, “Oh great, now he’s having a seizure or something!” I try a bit harder to pull away as now his breathing is sounding kind of irregular. I asked him, “Are you ok?” Finally, he lets me pull away and says he’s fine. I look at him and he has a very pleased expression on his face. My brain shouts to me, “My God, this man just had an orgasm! Right there in his baggy pants and rainbow suspenders!!”
Well my mother never told me how to handle this sort of situation, so still trying to be charming, I ask, “Shall we go in?” But my brain is yelling – “RUN, RUN AWAY – GET OUTTA HERE!!”
We go inside and have a light meal and pleasant conversation. Aside from being a freaky, baggy pants, suspender wearing, short hunchback, Rainbow is really a very sweet man. I start feeling bad for him that I don’t like him more. He seems so nice and so lonely and I feel like a complete shithead because I know that I’m never going to see this man again.
We finish our meal and I offer to split the bill (it’s the least I can do, right?) but he insists on paying. As we walk outside toward our cars I told him, “Thank you for dinner, you are a very nice man. But I don’t think there’s a spark and we are not a match. I’m sorry.” He hung his head with a wry smile and said ok. I could tell by his reaction that this happens to him a lot. Let me end by saying, “Rainbow, I hope there is a sweet woman out there somewhere who can see past all the things I couldn’t. Because, you truly are a very nice man.”
I was winked at by a nice man who is almost 20 years older than me. That’s a bit outside my normal dating range, but nothing ventured – nothing gained, right? So I responded back to him and we began chatting in email. I almost didn’t respond to his original wink because his profile didn’t have a picture. Should that have been a warning bell? You decide. I mentioned to him that I don’t correspond with people with no photo, so he sent me one. It depicted a nice looking, late fifties-ish man with a sweet smile. The picture was a typical portrait style, just his head and the tops of his shoulders. He was wearing a denim shirt and rainbow stripe suspenders. I thought the suspenders a bit unusual, but wasn’t terribly concerned. During this time, my mother became quite ill and was in critical care in the hospital. It was especially nice of Rainbow Stripe to write me frequently asking after her health and saying prayers on her behalf. When she finally appeared on the road to recovery, Rainbow asked to buy me dinner and I accepted.
We chose to meet at a nearby trendy restaurant. I spied a parking spot right in front of the restaurant entrance. Just as I began pulling in, a man stepped out of the car just beside my parking space. I saw his head above the top of his car and recognized him as Rainbow. I pulled into my spot and opened the door to get out. Rainbow had come around his car to greet me as I got out of my door.
Try to imagine my astonishment as I turned to greet him and my brain tried desperately to register several things all at once. 1) My God, he’s a hunchback!, 2) I’m only 5’1” and he’s my height!, 3) He’s wearing those damn suspenders!, 4) His pants are 3 sizes too big!, 5) Oh shit, he’s closing in for a kiss!
I must stop for a minute here to tell you that my mother raised her girls to be gracious ladies, always polite and charming, no matter the situation. So I dug deep into those early ingrained lessons and put on my brightest and most charming smile.
I am standing trapped between my open car door and the side of my car when Rainbow takes me and plants a big kiss on me. I tried to push away gently, but instead he pulls me close and takes me into an embrace and kisses me even more deeply. Again, I try politely to disentangle when he stops kissing me, but he holds me close in a tight embrace. He begins shaking all over, and I think, “Oh great, now he’s having a seizure or something!” I try a bit harder to pull away as now his breathing is sounding kind of irregular. I asked him, “Are you ok?” Finally, he lets me pull away and says he’s fine. I look at him and he has a very pleased expression on his face. My brain shouts to me, “My God, this man just had an orgasm! Right there in his baggy pants and rainbow suspenders!!”
Well my mother never told me how to handle this sort of situation, so still trying to be charming, I ask, “Shall we go in?” But my brain is yelling – “RUN, RUN AWAY – GET OUTTA HERE!!”
We go inside and have a light meal and pleasant conversation. Aside from being a freaky, baggy pants, suspender wearing, short hunchback, Rainbow is really a very sweet man. I start feeling bad for him that I don’t like him more. He seems so nice and so lonely and I feel like a complete shithead because I know that I’m never going to see this man again.
We finish our meal and I offer to split the bill (it’s the least I can do, right?) but he insists on paying. As we walk outside toward our cars I told him, “Thank you for dinner, you are a very nice man. But I don’t think there’s a spark and we are not a match. I’m sorry.” He hung his head with a wry smile and said ok. I could tell by his reaction that this happens to him a lot. Let me end by saying, “Rainbow, I hope there is a sweet woman out there somewhere who can see past all the things I couldn’t. Because, you truly are a very nice man.”
posted by Suddenly Single at 11:45 AM
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