The Boy Toy

I came back from working out one night (yes, I do work out…its hard work to keep looking like a zaftig Catherine Zeta-Jones, you know) and checked my email from pickyourdatingsite.com. I received a note that someone found me interesting. I clicked on his username to bring up his profile. HOT DAMN! This guy is HOT, HOT, H*O*T!! Needless to say, I wrote him back to let him know the interest was mutual. I broke the ice by asking him about his username, “betoy” (changed to protect me from a hideous lawsuit). I figured it had something to do with being a “boy toy.” Turns out, I was right. His girlfriend in college used to refer to him that way. We wrote back and forth and I found out that he traveled quite a bit on business. It turns out that he often had to come to the Metropolis where I live. We decided that the next time he came into town we should meet. He didn’t seem to think it would be terribly long before he headed my way. We continued to chat online and exchanged further pictures. My favorite was one of him on the beach wearing only swim trunks and sunglasses. I noticed a reflection of a person in his mirrored sunglasses and being the curious sort…I decided to take the pic into my favorite photo editing software to see if I could tell anything about them. All I could tell was that it appeared to be a woman with long hair wearing a t-shirt and shorts. So, being even more curious, I asked him, “hey who is that reflected in your sunglasses so well, and how did they get that sexy grin on your face?” He said it was his girlfriend at the time the pic was taken, but it was a relationship long over. Boy Toy also said he had a trip coming my way in a couple of weeks and he’d be staying near the airport. He said as soon as he got his itenerary, he’d email it to me and we could meet while he was here.
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Sorry, that’s it…that’s the last I heard from Boy Toy. Disappointed? Yeah, me too!

The Phone Stalker, Part Deux (at long last)

Bullwinkle answered in the middle of the first ring. Now, I have picked up a phone either just as it was ringing or just before it rang because I was about to dial out. But this dude was apparently sitting on it waiting for it to hatch. I say this because he answered the phone like this (and a bit breathlessly too I might add), “Hi there, Suddenly! I was waiting for your call.”

Freaky, no?...Freaky – Hell YES! But at the time it didn’t seem quite as odd as it does now in retrospect.

We chatted about mostly innocuous things such as common teachers and friends from High School. He mentioned that he had recently divorced and was temporarily living with his Mom. I think Norman Bates from Psycho should have popped into my head, but didn’t. So I felt no qualms about setting up a date with Bullwinkle for the following weekend.

I don’t want to say too much about this dude in case he should figure out that I’m talking about him online. But the guy has a job that requires him to be on the ROAD for stretches at a time…he said he’s in it for the LONG HAUL. So the first evening he’d be back in town was the following Sunday. We decided on a restaurant that was centrally located to us both and agreed that 7:00pm would be a good time to meet there.

The week in between this conversation and our date passed with an unusual number of hang-ups on my answering machine. These calls where from all different times of day. I didn’t think much about it, probably just telemarketers…you know how they are! I also got calls from Bullwinkle every night to just say, “Hi.” And that he was bored and lonely on the road, etc. By Thursday, however, the number of hang-ups on my machine began to worry me. So I decided it was time for “Caller ID” I got it all set up and got a new phone system that displays all missed calls as well. My friend, James, (he’s the “Will” to my “Grace” if you catch my drift) came over Friday night to help me install everything. Almost immediately, I got a phone call. Don’t you know it? It was just listed as “Out of Area.” For those of you without “Caller ID ” experience, that can mean anything, but often means….telemarketer. So I didn’t answer the call. I waited to see if a message would be left, but they hung up instead. James and I shook hands assuming it was a wise choice with a telemarketer avoided. We decided to go on out and grab some dinner.

If you’ve never had the El Presidente Margarita at Chili’s, I highly recommend them! (maybe they will send me a coupon?) The El Pres, as I call it, comes in a jigger and is roughly the equivalent of 2 regular margaritas. I had 2 El Pres with my dinner and was feeling no pain by the time I got home. I went straight to my answering machine (my friend James didn’t go with me…he says he’ll never go straight!), and checked my missed calls. In the 2 hours I’d been gone, I had 17 missed calls! And they were ALL from “Out of Area.” There were no messages left on the machine either. As I stood there, puzzling over it, the phone rang again….”Out of Area.” Well, this just had to stop, so I answered it. As you mostly likely already guessed, it was Bullwinkle and not Avon calling. I told him I’d been out and asked him if he’d called earlier. He said, no he’d just gotten back to his motel room. So I chatted with him a bit, but didn’t make the connection just yet.

Saturday actually went by quietly, no hang-ups and no call from Bullwinkle. Sunday afternoon I was making a sandwich for lunch when I got a call from Bullwinkle. This time, he popped right up on my Caller ID. He was terribly sorry and was going to have to cancel our date, he was taking his mother to the hospital with chest pains. Apparently this had happened once before and she’d required a double bypass operation. So he said he’d call and let me know how she was doing later.

I decided to have James over, watch a movie and have a pizza delivered. He loves the chick flicks as much as I do. We were settling down with our pizza and watching “Sweet Home Alabama” when the phone rang. I told James that I was just gonna let it ring, the machine would catch it and we would just go on eating pizza, swilling cheap wine coolers and watching the movie. After a minute I glanced over at the machine and noticed that the message waiting light was on. Cool, they left a message. A few minutes later, the phone rang again. I looked at the Caller ID and it showed “UNKOWN.” Again, ignoring the call seemed like a good idea, but this time they didn’t leave a message. About 5 minutes later, the UNKOWN caller struck again. I glanced over at James who just raised his eyebrows, so we let it go. 5 minutes later, the UNKOWN caller is back. I decided that this is going to be a bumpy night so we paused Reese Witherspoon and finished off our pizza and wine. I told James, if it rings again, I want you to answer it. If they want to talk to me, just tell them I’m not here. Sure enough, UNKOWN caller rang through again. James answers it for me and this is his side of the conversation…

“Hello?”
“I’m sorry, she’s not here right now.”
“I don’t know – just OUT out. She didn’t say.”
“This is a friend of hers, who is this?”
“Well I’m sure she will want to know you called, can I get your name?”
“My name? Why do you want my name?....Well, ok, I’m James.”
“Can I give her a number where she can call you back?”
“Unlisted?”
“So…you just want me to tell her you called, but you won’t give me your unlisted number so she can call you back?”

This entire time I’m gesturing wildly for James to tell me who it is, but he keeps waving me off.

“Can I ask you something…did you call here just a bit ago? I couldn’t get to the phone before.”
“Have you called a bunch of times, I notice she has some hang-ups on her missed call list.”
“Oh ok, well I will tell her you called.”

I know there is no mystery for you at this point as to who it was. It was Bullwinkle. He did admit to calling “a couple of times.” All the “UNKOWN” calls must have been from him. I played back the message that was waiting. The robotic male voice on my machine said the call was from, “Number…UNKOWN.” It was a message from Hamster-boy saying that his mother’s health scare was just indigestion and he could have dinner after all and for me to call him and he left his home number.

James and I started talking about this and connecting the dots from the “Out of Area” calls earlier in the week with today's “UNKOWN” calls. The image starting to emerge was a picture of a Hamster named Bullwinkle!

30 minutes pass by and UNKOWN is calling again. James answers and tells Bullwinkle that I’m out and will most likely be out for the entire evening. Again, he asks for a number where I can return the call. This time Bullwinkle leaves his home phone number.

James left about 9pm and I went through my normal Sunday night rituals of getting things ready for going to work on Monday. I hit the sheets about 10:30 and was just getting into the snooze groove when the phone rang. I look at the time, it was 12:15. I check Caller ID…UNKOWN! I answer the phone, and its…you guessed it…Bullwinkle again!

He starts off into a conversation as though nothing unusual has occurred. I interrupt him and ask, “It’s a bit late to be calling on a work night, don’t ya’ think?”

The dude was CLUELESS! I guess he figured if he didn’t have to work the next day, neither did the rest of the world. What a piece of work! So I manage to get him off the phone and back to cruisin’ snoozin’.

The following day I decided that this guy was just a bit too intense for me. I called him up and challenged him about the phone calls. He finally fessed up that it was him. When I asked him why, he said that he was trying to find out if I was seeing someone else. He challenged me about James. I explained that James is gay, but that didn’t seem to compute for Bullwinkle. Apparently the diesel fumes had eaten away some brain cells. I spelled it out…"you know GAY…as in dates men, not women!"

I decided it was time to end this freak show, I told him that he was not a match for me and that he should move on. He actually asked if he could call me again or IM me if he saw me online! I said to him firmly, “No. I don’t want you to call me, I don’t want you to IM me online, I don’t want to meet you. In fact, I want nothing to do with you. Just, please, go away!” I hated being that blunt and rude, but apparently that was what it took. Bullwinkle went away and my phone only rings a normal amount of time these days.

Coming Soon...."The Boy Toy"

The Phone Stalker

I'm sure you've heard of stalking. While you most often hear about it in the press regarding beautiful people, and even David Letterman, it happens to regular folks too. Not that I'm regular. For the record, I AM A GODDESS! In fact I look a lot like Catherine Zeta-Jones, but you have to squint your eyes real hard and tilt your head kinda sideways to see it.

Some of you might be skeptical and think that I was being overly optimistic in hoping for winks or emails within the first 24 hours of posting my hot little profile...and some of you might be right. But those of you like me, with faith and hope in your heart and just a little bit too much wine in your brain, are certain that my profile would bring men flocking like birds that flock. How could they not be impressed? Imagine it, there they were in front of nameyourdatingsite.com (with squinty eyes and head tilted kinda sideways) when suddenly they spied Catherine Zeta-Jones! Of course they were excited, therefore electronic winking and emailing commenced.

For those of you who have experienced online dating, I won't embarrass you by telling you just how many dozen responses I got that first day. I wouldn't want you to feel bad by comparing yourself to wonderful me. But I will say that 2 of the men were "throw-backs" right away - no picture! Can you imagine?...NO PICTURE!?! HUMPH! So I went on to the last response and spied a picture of a nice looking man. He was clean cut and had a nice smile, maybe a few pounds beyond svelte, but remember I am overweight and undertall myself - kind of like Catherine Zeta-Jones during her pregnancies except I'm not carrying a baby on board. I clicked on his profile to see what he had to say about himself. Lo and behold, this man graduated from the same High School as me, and only 1 year ahead of me!

"PSHAW!" I thought. "How could this be…seriously, what ARE the odds?"

I looked at his name again, Bullwinkle McAdams. Bullwinkle McAdams? I don't remember him - but then again, Harrybauls High School was an exceptionally large school.

I dashed down the hall and dug through a scary maze of boxes, (keep in mind the "Suddenly" part of my nickname, Suddenly Single). Eventually I unearthed the two annuals I possess in which Bullwinkle might appear. Madly, I flipped to the "McA" section (tabbed like the Bible for easy access). I saw a very cute and trim young man grinning back at me. I open the other book and located his picture by the same process. Looking back and forth between the computer and the two books I saw that it is definitely the same person, although the years have added a great deal of padding. (I know what you're thinking - can it!)

Unsure as to whether or not I'd like to date the man, there seemed to be some merit in at least touching base with an old High School alumni-type person. It’s not every day that you run into a Harrybauls High School Hamster on the Internet, you know! No harm, no foul, right? Uh...yeah...right!

I fired up my trusty email utility (no, sorry geeks, I'm not gonna tell you what kind - you're gonna have to fantasize). Fingers tripping lightly on the keyboard, I dashed off a quick missive, something to the point of, "Hey fellow Hamster! I noticed we graduated only a year apart. Let me know if you'd like to meet up sometime. Blah, blah, blah..." Yeah, I know, it was wit personified!

Needless to say, he wrote me back. I didn't know it at the time, but the lightening speed at which he replied was a tip-off to the dark side of the former Hamster. I understand that sometimes you luck out catching people online. However, it was 3:46am. Yes, I'm aware that I too was awake at this ungodly hour. But pre-dawn-cracking instantaneous replies that in retrospect sound like a guy hopped up on too many lattes don't exactly bode well in an online dating world. He suggested I call him the following evening after 7:00pm and left his home number.

Wanting to appear punctual, and yet not overeager, I placed my call at 7:20pm.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Allow me to introduce myself, intrepid readers.

I am a suddenly single 40-something woman...ok, ok, I'm 48 but who's counting? I am a big beautiful woman of substance...yeah yeah yeah, I'm overweight and undertall, get over it already! After my marriage of 20+ years recently ended, I decided to dip my toe into the mysterious waters of Internet dating sites. I live in a sprawling Metropolitan area in the southern US - but would prefer not to go into further detail than this. I plan to report my experiences in as much detail as good taste and Blog censorship might allow. I will be changing names and some descriptions to protect the innocent or guilty as the case may be. I hope you enjoy your time here as much as I'm enjoying reporting my actual experiences - I mean who could make this stuff up?!?